Log in

No account? Create an account
Apr. 19th, 2010 @ 08:13 am New lows
About this Entry
[User Picture Icon]
Date:April 19th, 2010 03:45 pm (UTC)
(Permanent Link)
For a lot of my life.

I was never exactly sociable and I always felt like I was on the edge of things, barely tolerated. I still have this strong tendency to start building a theory of being disliked on a bunch of little unrelated cues, and start operating on it - though I've finally learnt that when I start to do that, I need to actually ask if someone I think has started to dislike me does. And the answer's always been "no".

Looking back, there were a hell of a lot of offers extended that I didn't pick up on because I was busy running down paranoid, depressive alleys. I would say that most of my entire almost-decade in LA was me keeping myself isolated from fear/brokeness/paranoia - and of course the gender stuff wasn't helping on that count either. I've been pretty isolated out in Boston, too; I don't have much social circle I've picked up myself - I've kind of rejected some offers to have that, as a matter of fact.

It's a habit, for me. I don't know how to do social games very well. I've been learning to do them in fits and starts but they're still hard work rather than something I can do reflexively, so I do it in little controlled bursts like "going to a con and sitting behind a table drawing". Even then I end up feeling on the outside a lot. I'd like to be able to connect with a lot more people but at the same time that's the last thing I want to do.

Sometimes I just work around awkwardness by hiding behind various ditzy personae I've built. Bounce up and down, jiggle my boobies, and go "yip!" or "rar?" or "chrr?" and look cutely clueless. Giving people an excuse to ogle the cute bouncy dragon/vixen/raccoon/whatever and giggle at how completely lacking in social cues she is can help smooth over that lack pretty well.

But yeah. There's a part of me that wants to stitch together every little mistake and slight and whatnot into a everyone talking behind my back about how much I suck, and it keeps on raising its nasty little head. I've gotten better at not listening to it but oh, it's still there. It'll probably always be there.
[User Picture Icon]
Date:April 19th, 2010 04:06 pm (UTC)
(Permanent Link)
My response to Pathia goes for you, too.

My own social cues suck enough that I didn't spot what should have been plain as day. I've gone and done stupid things because "What the hell, nobody likes me anyway." So I've let myself become a self-fulfilling prophecy. I actually admire you both, because you've faced this and come out doing the right thing.
[User Picture Icon]
Date:April 19th, 2010 08:45 pm (UTC)
(Permanent Link)