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Jun. 28th, 2007 @ 05:36 am Family
Current Mood: not good
It continues to crumble in horrible wails of agony.

Apparently my dad tried to rally just about everyone to petition a local mental health group to take mom in, in some sort of intervention.

It...didn't go well. See, she's not suicidal, so really they couldn't do anything, but mom found out he was planning this. So now all of her protests of 'everyone out to get her' are more or less true, which means she's shoving everyone away even faster.

She's also hellbent on wedging her new guy into my life too, despite me being 3000 miles away. Apparently she's told him 'everything' about me, and he's perfectly fine with my lifestyle and that it would be wonderful if I would visit them or talk to him on the phone. Seriously...what...the...fuck. Is it normal for your fifty year old mom to want you talk to her three-week boyfriend as if he was some sort of new father figure?

Ontop of this her CA125 counts are through the roof. She maintains that she's feeling great and alive but cancer is starting to spread out through her body at a scary rate.

My youngest brother, who was always closest to mom, is so shocked and stunned by this his grades have been falling apart. So, he's thought about joining the military and dropping out of college.

Oh yea, ontop of all this? That interview is in a few hours...lovely...just wonderful. I'm a fucking mental carwreck and I have that on my shoulders to deal with in the middle of it. Wonderful
About this Entry
Sitting Pretty
Date:June 28th, 2007 01:17 pm (UTC)
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Please don't grow up to be like that.
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Date:June 28th, 2007 01:22 pm (UTC)
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I'm 27, I'm already out of the house thankfully.
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Date:June 28th, 2007 01:43 pm (UTC)
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That keening sound you hear is me, Rik, and Peggy having a group wail of sympathy from 4,000 miles away. :O Consider yourself group-hugged massively.
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Date:June 28th, 2007 02:09 pm (UTC)
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Cripes... that doesn't sound good in the least. Just try to keep your head above water, and persevere. Afraid there's not much else I can offer except this. *offers a guardian wuf plush*
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Date:June 28th, 2007 02:12 pm (UTC)
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Support-rays beamed. Would that I could do better.
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Date:June 28th, 2007 02:14 pm (UTC)
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Christ. You know, as much as I can, I'm wishing this shit would just get away from you.
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Date:June 28th, 2007 02:40 pm (UTC)
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I'd hug the stuffing out of you if I was close. I hope everything works out for at least your father and brother. And kick ass in the interview, draggy.
Date:June 28th, 2007 02:48 pm (UTC)
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“Is it normal for your fifty year old mom to want you talk to her three-week boyfriend as if he was some sort of new father figure?”

Well, my 60-year old father thought his 40-year old girlfriend could be family after he abandoned my mother. I’m in my mid twenties. Might I recommend a book that helped me -- A Grief Out of Season: When Your Parents Divorce in Your Adult Years. It’s really good for these situations.

I can’t really give you any advice because my own foray into trying to fix things failed, and your situation has its unique subtleties. I can suggest a few things based on experience.

1. Most joint accounts are frozen except for necessary expenditures during divorce proceedings to prevent the type of abuse you mentioned, and many courts will adjust a 50/50 settlement if it can be shown that one partner maliciously tried to clean out the accounts once they made up their mind to divorce. Your father's attorney should pursue this.

2. Call your little brother a lot (every day or every other day). Emails are nice, but voice communication is best. Don’t let him go through it alone. That situation is very dangerous; he must finish his degree.

3. The feeling that a parent has died or disappeared is quite normal. I had a “service” for my father simply to help me break the connection between the father who raised me and the stranger he became.

4. I’m not sure that you’re mother is completely lost to you yet. Don’t give up. She may be responding to her fear of death in irrational ways. From my experience, trying isolation to stop the offending behavior pushes them deeper into the arms of the interloper.

5. The interloper may well be malicious – a gold-digger whose sees an easy prospect that might not require a long commitment if your mother dies. Observe him carefully to determine if he’s evil or just stupid. Evil would be indicated by attempts to isolate her and get her entirely under his influence. That allows him to cast the family’s actions in any light he wishes. By the time it’s over, all of her family is against her, and he is the only one she can trust. Ergo all her assets are left to the one person who “cared” about her. Again, allowing him to isolate her is the worst possible outcome in this case.

6. Assuming he’s not evil but merely stupid and tactless, I suggest having a direct, calm conversation with the two of them in which you tell him that he seems nice, but you find the speed at which they are progressing and his similarities to your father deeply disturbing. Ask them to explain why you shouldn’t consider this to be abnormal. Forcing them to vocalize a coherent logic-based explanation of their viewpoint can sometimes make them reexamine assumptions that were purely emotional. If you get a “Don’t tell us how to feel! We’re in love!” or “It’s not your business” response, explain that you aren’t telling them how to feel. You just want a rational explanation for why you shouldn’t worry. Furthermore, their attempts to insert him into the family make it your business.
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Date:June 28th, 2007 02:52 pm (UTC)
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One last fling before she goes. I can sympathize with that. It's just a shame this has to leave so much chaos in her wake.

Good luck with the interview!
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Date:June 28th, 2007 03:45 pm (UTC)
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In retrospect, being disowned and having nothing to do with my family isn't so bad.
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Date:June 28th, 2007 04:20 pm (UTC)
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I haven't said much because I just have no idea what to say. You are so much better than this crap that's happening in your life. You're in my thoughts and I hope this all gets resolved. I'm so sorry. *hugs*
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Date:June 28th, 2007 05:06 pm (UTC)
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God. This is terrible.

Good luck on the interview!
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Date:June 29th, 2007 03:45 am (UTC)
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*hugs* I'm soo soo sory for you and your family.
Date:July 3rd, 2007 02:30 am (UTC)
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My father did something similar when he got involved with a female after my mother divorced him.

I....will not go into details about the female, except to say that I have *NO* idea what he saw in her. None.

As for mental health intervention...sad to say, if she isn't an immediate threat to herself or to others, they can't intervene against her will. And refusing treatment doesn't qualify.

*deep sigh*

If you need a shoulder to cry on, let me know.