Pathia Red-Tawner (pathia) wrote,
Pathia Red-Tawner

Self Centerism

This has been brought up to me several times, by family and close friends. It's something that I've been thinking of heavily in the past months, but I can't get much anywhere, so I'm going to write them down outloud.

I've apparently become self-centered, and I can agree with this assessment, because in a way my GID *IS* self centered. There's no way for it to not be about me, and that causes something of a conundrum for me. I have to justify myself to my friends, family. I have to justify everything I do, everything I think, everything I want to do.

I, I, I, I. I don't want to do this, I don't want it to be about me, but everyone harps on me about 'obsessing about it' but I wouldn't obsess about it if everyone didn't keep telling me I'm obsessing about it. I'm constantly judged, everything I ever do or say is seen in a new light by my friends and family, usually with disgust. They hate the way I dress, the way I have my hair, my earrings, my clothing, my speech. I have to explain everything over and over, and then I'm accused of obsessing when I attempt to justify what I do. It's like some sort of perverted circle that forces me to become self centered, if only to escape the hell that is my external life. It doesn't help that I'm a paranoid person, so many times I'm 'explaining' and 'justifying' myself (read: obsessing) because of a look people give me, they may not have meant anything by it, but because I am so paranoid I take that as a challenge to my person and I have to justify things, furthering the spiral.

That hell used to be inside me, that's why I tried to kill myself, twice. Now that hell is outside. It was consuming me, it was all that I had in me. Now I have this void, all this 'me' that needs to be filled with something. I'm trying to find things that I like, things that I've always wanted to do, but because of my personal hell I never tried. Some part of me is smug, saying 'hah, now you know how it was like' because my hell is externalized but then that's selfish. Maybe I should have just killed myself back then, I only seem to cause pain no matter what, but then that's the utmost selfish act of all! The only option that seems viable to my friends and family is to go back to being the quiet tortured soul that I was before. I don't think I can do that, I didn't like that me when I was that me. Why would that suddenly have changed?

Mom harped on me today for being part of ODU-OUT and said I should be using my powers for good, so to speak. So, suddenly since I'm part of the minority I have to do more good for society to make up for my perversion? Well, guess what? I do. I've done more community oriented acts with ODU-OUT than I have in years and years, but that's not enough for her, because 'they're gay'. Seriously, it's like I can't win.

Now, that rant is over. Let me end this by saying I'm not mad at any of my family or friends. This isn't meant to be easy, life is never easy. It's your job to question me and make sure I don't do anything stupid. So don't stop, please. You're also all this screwed up soul has. If anything your persistence made me write out my feelings like this. It's a bit spastic, but it's what's rambling around in my head.

Also, yes *I* notice that it's somewhat ironic that this rant included so many *I* statements, so yes, get it out of your system. Hahaha ;-)
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