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Apr. 19th, 2010 @ 08:13 am New lows
I really don't know what I'm doing anymore.

So isolated and cut off. I like seattle and I like my job and there are plenty of nice folk around, but I am always on the outside in the dark. Whenever I try to step into the light, it's awkward, embarrassing and feels incredibly forced to the point of probably offending people or making them dislike me even more. I feel like I am just sort of tolerated, let in the light from time to time out of pity rather than friendship or care. My presence is resented at times, maybe all the time.

I don't know what to do anymore. I don't have anywhere else to go anymore, I bet everything and lost.
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Pathiaicon
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From:shatterstripes
Date:April 19th, 2010 03:15 pm (UTC)
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*hug*

Been there.
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From:pathia
Date:April 19th, 2010 03:19 pm (UTC)
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For two years straight?
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From:shatterstripes
Date:April 19th, 2010 03:45 pm (UTC)
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For a lot of my life.

I was never exactly sociable and I always felt like I was on the edge of things, barely tolerated. I still have this strong tendency to start building a theory of being disliked on a bunch of little unrelated cues, and start operating on it - though I've finally learnt that when I start to do that, I need to actually ask if someone I think has started to dislike me does. And the answer's always been "no".

Looking back, there were a hell of a lot of offers extended that I didn't pick up on because I was busy running down paranoid, depressive alleys. I would say that most of my entire almost-decade in LA was me keeping myself isolated from fear/brokeness/paranoia - and of course the gender stuff wasn't helping on that count either. I've been pretty isolated out in Boston, too; I don't have much social circle I've picked up myself - I've kind of rejected some offers to have that, as a matter of fact.

It's a habit, for me. I don't know how to do social games very well. I've been learning to do them in fits and starts but they're still hard work rather than something I can do reflexively, so I do it in little controlled bursts like "going to a con and sitting behind a table drawing". Even then I end up feeling on the outside a lot. I'd like to be able to connect with a lot more people but at the same time that's the last thing I want to do.

Sometimes I just work around awkwardness by hiding behind various ditzy personae I've built. Bounce up and down, jiggle my boobies, and go "yip!" or "rar?" or "chrr?" and look cutely clueless. Giving people an excuse to ogle the cute bouncy dragon/vixen/raccoon/whatever and giggle at how completely lacking in social cues she is can help smooth over that lack pretty well.

But yeah. There's a part of me that wants to stitch together every little mistake and slight and whatnot into a everyone talking behind my back about how much I suck, and it keeps on raising its nasty little head. I've gotten better at not listening to it but oh, it's still there. It'll probably always be there.
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From:doodlesthegreat
Date:April 19th, 2010 04:06 pm (UTC)
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My response to Pathia goes for you, too.

My own social cues suck enough that I didn't spot what should have been plain as day. I've gone and done stupid things because "What the hell, nobody likes me anyway." So I've let myself become a self-fulfilling prophecy. I actually admire you both, because you've faced this and come out doing the right thing.
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From:dv_girl
Date:April 19th, 2010 08:45 pm (UTC)
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+1
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From:dv_girl
Date:April 19th, 2010 08:42 pm (UTC)
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You know. I just posted almost exactly the same thing to my journal and another friend of mine posted a very similar sentiment in her journal this morning as well. You're not alone.
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From:zorinlynx
Date:April 19th, 2010 03:22 pm (UTC)
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*hugs* Just remember you have lots of friends and we all love you lots.

Things will get better. Hang in there...
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From:taliabear
Date:April 19th, 2010 03:40 pm (UTC)
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I know I've only met you like, the once and all, but um...you're cool and I like you, Pathia. *hugs*
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From:doodlesthegreat
Date:April 19th, 2010 03:54 pm (UTC)
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Hell no. You've never been that way and never will be. It's hard, really hard, to shake these feelings, but they are lies your mind is telling itself that you must learn to deny. You have friends who care about you deeply, and a mate who loves you unconditionally. Your opportunities and possibilities are wide open, and if you need help, just ask and it's yours. Don't let yourself be fooled by ghosts and goblins that are no more real than smoke.

I refuse to let you go down the path I tread.
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From:azraile
Date:April 19th, 2010 03:54 pm (UTC)
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*don't know what else to say so just hugs big big hugs*
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From:glashund
Date:April 19th, 2010 04:09 pm (UTC)
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Rrf.

There's an ear here if it'd be of use to you sometime, and for what it's worth, I certainly don't resent your presence. Hell, I'd be glad for more of it, both meatspace and digitally, if the notion holds any appeal.

The feelings you express here are pretty familiar. Isolation, being on the outside looking in...yeah, those hit pretty close to home. Even when folks do reach out to me, sometimes I miss it altogether because it's so hard to imagine anyone taking a positive interest in me; when I do pick up on it, sometimes it can still be frustrating and depressing when I feel like I'm failing to connect, like my human-interaction gears are so ground down and miscalibrated that they can't possibly mesh with those of functional people anymore. So...yeah, you're coming in loud and clear. :, *hug*

Anyway, I like you, and if there's anything I can do, hey.
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From:murrday
Date:April 19th, 2010 05:42 pm (UTC)
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Far from pitying you, I think you have a lot of courage. You looked at your situation, and chose to do something about it. it was never an easy choice and you met a lot of resistance, but you did what you needed to do, even so.

Reaching out is challenging, and yes, it can feel awkward. So stack the deck in your favor by doing more of it at cons and other places where you are welcomed. Right here on LJ is a place where you are welcomed too.

As to betting everything - you like the city and your job. You love your mate. That's three good solid wins there, amiga. Feeling like it's losing everything is the blues talking, and it's not giving you the big picture. Do you have a full spectrum lamp? If no, get one and literally sit in its light - it can really make a difference in how you feel.

Give gentle nurturance to yourself, until you feel ready to try reaching out a bit more. Then start
with someone you know already likes you and spend more time with them. Stack the deck in favor of success for a while - it's OK to do that. Help yourself gain confidence a step at a time.

May you find the light and walk comfortably in it, Peg

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From:paka
Date:April 19th, 2010 08:54 pm (UTC)
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My experience up there was that if you knew people, things were great, but if you felt like an outsider it got really brutally isolating - so I'm pretty sure it's something about the place, either it's really that way or it's easy to feel that way.

I like and even envy you, but I'm nowhere near Seattle. Please let me know if there's anything I can so that could help?
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From:xander_opal
Date:April 19th, 2010 09:59 pm (UTC)
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*hugs*

I think there's something going around of late. Its hard to feel good when everyone around is blah... this reminds me of my own last several posts.

Note to self: Bring around a little sunshine. It can be hard to be the semi-upbeat, sorta-optimistic one... but someone has to, neh?

*more hugs*

If I only tolerated you, would I be so concerned? I friendlist you because I consider you a friend. I also think it is a good thing my views clash with yours-- because if I want to refute something you state, even if it is only silently, I have to work up a good argument. You keep me from being a knee-jerk, unthinking conservative, and I thus stay more or less a fiscally conservative libertarian.

Just think-- just because you are you, there's one less Republican out there. ;)
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From:taliabear
Date:April 20th, 2010 01:22 am (UTC)
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...There are things in that article that are disturbingly familiar. >.>
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From:glashund
Date:April 20th, 2010 02:00 am (UTC)
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Yeah, that'd be me right there.
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From:kyhwana
Date:April 20th, 2010 08:13 am (UTC)
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(is drunk and upset)

Whatever you do hon, do NOT consider suicide. I just had a coworker kill himself. and I wasn't even that close to him, but i'm im cyring.


You'll figure something out *hug*
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From:skunktaur
Date:April 20th, 2010 10:27 am (UTC)
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Well, I've only met you face-to-face for a short while and all I have to say is "Come back sometime soon, we still have your Tums." ;)
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From:cyriljackal
Date:April 20th, 2010 12:17 pm (UTC)
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Who's not liking you?
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From:viqsi
Date:April 20th, 2010 12:25 pm (UTC)
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Feelings like that are a large part of why I put a lot of effort into being sociable with "normal" people - out of the idea that if I can get by with them, I can theoretically do so with just about anybody.

It almost works in that I haven't really been crippled by that feeling for quite a while - although there have been some divisive moments here and there.

I'm not sure if it's a technique I'd recommend - but it's what works for me.
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From:polaris93
Date:May 1st, 2010 05:40 am (UTC)
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Hello, neighbor! I live in Seattle's North End, myself. I know what you mean about feeling isolated and cut off. There are good people here, people you could be good friends with, but finding them can be . . . well, a long and arduous journey. I hope things go well for you. :-)
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From:lupinekassidy
Date:May 6th, 2010 02:37 am (UTC)
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If you ever need to get out hon, I'm always in town and usually up for doing something. Standing offer, and I promise I won't be too terribly weird. n.n

But yes. I can appreciate how you feel, as it's part of the reason why I don't ever ask anyone to do anything except very rarely. In part it's that I don't like imposing, but mostly it's that I feel like I've worn out my welcome by even saying anything. (This falls under the category of social phobia, by the way--not 'afraid of people' but more afraid of doing the wrong thing to the point of it being crippling.)

Also, if it's any consolation, I often enough get the feeling that everyone is staring at me, openly condescending. I've had times where I just can't leave the apartment because I can't deal with the feeling that people are staring at me. x.x

So yes. Once again, standing offer to do things, even if it is just to come out to the apartment and dump your brain. I'll happily listen.